Attraction is an algorithm based on many factors that we control but from time to time there are independent variables that we don’t control.

When I speak of attraction what are the definitions that come to mind? Do you think of someone’s physical appearance? Perhaps you think of something that catches your attention or stands out.

Attraction in terms of dating has a plethora of definitions, ideas and subsequently methods associated with it. To assimilate the methodologies one must first have an understand of its purpose. In its simplest form attraction is the mechanism that draws one object to another. In the dating scene it’s been studied, examined and replicated time and time again. Too much attraction and you risk losing the interest of your potential partner because no one wants to try to obtain something that is too far out of your reach. Too little attraction and you devalue yourself. To understand the right amount of attraction you need, you must be able to understand the other person’s true value.

Since attraction is an exchange of values you must determine the true value of your partner or you will miscalibrate your perceived value of the person. Let’s break down the concepts that I have laid out in the previous sentence.

Perceived Value is the amount of value that you place on someone based on your own perception of their qualities. For instance, an average looking guy might see a girl who is all dressed up across the bar. Based on her looks he assigns a value to her. He rates her based on a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfection. Let’s say the man in question rates her at a 9. He is overcome by her beauty and grace so he rates her higher than he would in different circumstances. The man also has a value he places on himself. This value is based on his own experiences, insecurities and self worth. This is known as True Value. The man calculates his True Value verses the Perceived Value of the woman. He realizes that his value is lower than that of the woman’s and as he approaches her and begins a conversation trying to make up the value differential by “acting” differently.

The common mistake that people make is they don’t find out a person’s True Value. They see someone and based on a two second glimpse they formulate opinions, ideas and misconceptions that often times are wrong. This destructive assumptions clouds the judgment of individuals all the time and causes them to assign to little or too much value to a person based on a small amount of information.

This Perceived Value is so destructive because we don’t know the True Value of the person in question. Imagine she is physically beautiful but after years of sexual abuse by previous partners she has devalued her appearance and self worth. You may see her and think she is a 9 but her True Value based on her own experiences has her believing she is a 4. If the guy didn’t find out her True Value and went off of his Perceived Value he would try to be too attractive in order to bridge the “assumed” gap between them. This overvaluing would cause her to withdraw from the interaction.

The solution to this perception vs. reality value match is to view everyone as equal. Granted you are biologically and conditionally programmed to find certain people more attractive than others but you control your perception of value. Just because someone is physically attractive doesn’t mean their value is higher than anyone else. You cannot find a person’s True Value until you engage in conversation with them. You must reveal their True Value not decide beforehand.

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