Lately many of these emails have been inquiring about how to take it to the next level with a girl. It seems like a lot of people are confused about how to build a relationship with a girl that they actually like.

The following are 5 tips I use in every relationship I get into. Understand that when I say relationship it doesn’t necessarily mean a monogamous one either. Any time you consistently see a person you are in a form of a relationship so keep that in mind and follow these 5 tips.

1)Convey your expectations to one another from the get go.

If you are not up front and tell the other person what you want you will NEVER get it. We assume that people read our minds, actions or thoughts when we start to hang out but the truth is no one can ever know what you are thinking, it is your responsibility to convey that. If you don’t, you are setting up for a major issue.

2) Be Honest and Up Front about EVERYTHING (Even if you are afraid you are going to lose her it is MUCH better to lose her before deeper feelings begin rather than her finding out you lied and break both your hearts.) Feelings deepen as more time is spent with each other. You have to be honest with everything.

3)Learn to communicate.

A friend once said to me that true communication consisted of US, ME or YOU. He is right on the money with this statement and is the sub context of any actually communication.

4) Shut off the Game don’t shut of the Charm.

People will lose site that in this phase of the relationship and forget that relationships are MANAGED NOT CURED. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you have an excuse to let yourself go and be a lazy slob. You won her over with your charm, since of adventure and wit, don’t change that.

5) Don’t shut off your social skills.

Be social, go out, make more friends and have a life that is not just her but both of you having a life together. One of the quickest ways to kill your relationship is to shut down and not go out ever but often times that is exactly that people do. When you alienate your friends you do your relationship, your friendships and yourself a disservice.

I hope you got some value out of this post. As always I try to be very active in the Seddit Community so feel free to PM or Email me anytime. Mayson@nsscoaching.com

New Social Systems is growing and so I have decided to hire on some help. When I hire a coach it is a process that I don’t take lightly. Ever sense I founded this company I wanted to build relationships and NOT just clients. Ask our students about the quality and value we give each person we work with. I have searched for someone like Jeremy for a long time and I asked him to write a bit about himself as an introduction to you guys. Without further ado, here is NSS’s newest coach, Jeremy!

My Succes Story or How to Make Lasting Positive Change in Your Life With a Minimal Expenditure of Time and Effort

by Jeremy Taylor

The lowest points of your life are always the most important. People in Alcoholics Anonymous always talk about how alcoholics need to hit “rock bottom” before they are finally ready to make a change. I’ve hit rock bottom several times in my life, first when I was more than sixty pounds overweight, and second was after a major divorce. The result of both of these situations caused me to make tremendous progress in my life. Without these low points, I would not be here sharing my story:

I grew up in a small town in the southwestern part of the United States. There weren’t a lot of people there, and there weren’t a lot of things going on either. I was born into a large family, I was the second born in a family of seven children. My family didn’t have a lot of money, but all of my needs were met. Still, I remember being made fun of at school for not having the best clothes or the coolest stuff. I think this was the start of my downward spiral because I believed what my peers told me. I believed that I was not good enough, because I didn’t have the same things they did.

The ridicule I experienced at school, combined with the anxiety of adolescence caused me to overeat. As I entered puberty I began to gain more and more weight, peaking at about 265 pounds at my full measure of 6’3”. This was a terrible combination because I was now the fat kid as well as the poor kid. This wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and self-confidence and as a result, I couldn’t work up the courage to talk to girls at my school, so I never dated all through high school. Instead, I studied hard, got good grades, and went on to college.

When I started my first year at college I came to the realization that I was in control of my life. I was sick and tired of being overweight and I wanted a girlfriend or at least a few hookups here and there.I made the decision in that moment that I would get in shape no matter what it took. This was one of the big moments in my life. Once you really make that decision to change, nothing can stop you.

So I did what any studious nerd would do and looked for information online on how to lose weight and get in shape. I also took a few weightlifting classes at my school. And I got results! I went from weighing 265 and being weak and out of shape to about weighing 215 and being strong and muscular.

I didn’t know it then, but I discovered the magic formula of success that ANYONE can use to improve any area of their lives:

Desire àDecision àKnowledge à Action à Success

The desire comes first, it’s often something like “I want a girlfriend” or “I want to be lean and healthy”. Sometimes it’s recognizing what you don’t want: “I don’t want to be fat” or “I don’t want to be alone”. Both ways of thinking eventually lead to the next step: the decision to change. This is the most important step. If you do not make that decision to get what you want no matter what, then you will not put in the effort that it will take to actually make the change for good.

Knowledge Allows You to Benefit From Those Who Have Gone Before You

The third step is to find out how to get what you want. This step is not as important as the first two, but can really help shorten the time that it will take you to actually make the change. Knowledge allows you to benefit from those who have gone before you. It allows you to do the right things first while minimizing the mistakes you make. The tricky thing about knowledge though, is that it is sometimes unreliable. Not everyone has your best interest at heart, some people will sell “how to” books that do not work simply because they know they can get away with it. To avoid getting bad information, you have to learn from many different people.

This is the reason we decided to publish NSS Weekly, to give you access to the best information out there from a variety of experts on the subject. When you learn from different people who are teaching you how to get the same results, you eventually start to see a common thread amongst the various curriculums. Once you discover this common thread, then you can personalize it and make it your own.

When You Make the Decision to Change, Taking Action is Not a Problem

Action comes next. All the knowledge in the world will not benefit you if you don’t take action. The good news, however, is that if you’ve truly made the decision to change, action is often not a problem. When I decided to lose weight and get in shape, I immediately started going to the gym and eating healthier food and less off it. Later, when I decided to improve my interactions with women, I started going out and meeting women on a regular basis, implementing the various ideas that I had learned.

The Quickest Way from Point A to Point B

When you follow this formula, you get results – fast. I know I did. When I applied this formula to my health and fitness the pounds just seemed to disappear. This transformation gave me a new sense of confidence; I could now work up the courage to talk to girls. A lot of the women I met liked me too, but I still had no idea of what to do with women, and as a result, I experienced no success. I had the desire, but I had not yet actually made the decision to improve my dating life. Part of the reason why I didn’t make the decision then was because I didn’t know that you could actually learn to interact better with women. Can you believe that? It seems so strange to me now that it didn’t occur to me to seek out information on how to improve my skills with women.

Looking back, knowing what I know now, there were a ton of girls that I met who were practically throwing themselves at me, but I just didn’t know that it was my responsibility to make the transition from friends or acquaintances to lovers.

‘Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost…

The next defining moment of my life happened a few years later, at the age of 21. I was home from school and regularly attending my parent’s church. My dad told me that there was a young woman there who was admiring me from a distance. She worked at a restaurant near my dad’s work and apparently she had told him that she thought I was cute. But my past inadequacies prevented me from talking to this girl. My reasoning was that she was just messing with me or that she wanted to tease me. It didn’t occur to me that she actually wanted to get with me. I had such a low opinion of myself, that I could not possibly fathom that I was actually attractive to women. I had transformed my body, but I had not yet transformed my mind so I continued to ignore the not so subtle hints that I should ask this girl out.

Finally, her dad got sick of her constantly raving and pining over me and basically commanded me to take her out on a date. We connected immediately and were inseparable after that. We had a lot in common and this girl was beautiful to boot. She was 19 years old, about 6’1” in height with a slender body and blonde hair. She had even done some runway modeling in the city where she had previously lived.

The Reckless Decisions of a Love-struck Young Man

I was lovesick at this point. I’d never experienced anything like this before. The relationship progressed way too fast and I asked her to marry me after having only known her for two weeks. This was partially because both of our parents were Mormons and also because it’s actually quite common to see people getting engaged quickly in the Mormon religion. I was also too lovesick to stop and consider what I was getting myself into. The emotions I was experiencing were overwhelming. It was the first time I had experienced romantic love.

We were married a short time later, and moved in together to finish up our University education. I quickly learned that there were aspects of this woman that were not apparent in our initial interactions. Many of these aspects were unacceptable to me, but I put up with them anyway because we were married and I didn’t know what else to do. I had overlooked a lot of warning signs during our courtship and engagement because I was so desperate for female companionship.

The Devastating Divorce

Fast forward about two and half years of not so blissful marriage and my wife tells me that she wants to part ways. I was devastated, even though deep down I knew it was the right thing to do. Still, it was me who was rejected and it sent me on an emotional roller coaster. I decided during this time that this would never happen to me again, and that I would get this part of my life handled, once and for all.

Like anyone does after a relationship ends, I wanted to get laid to validate my attractiveness. My initial efforts were futile, because I still had no idea what I was doing, but this time was different. I had hit rock bottom and as a result, I made the decision to change. My past results were no longer acceptable to me. I never again wanted to experience loneliness and rejection. I wanted to get this part of my life handled so that I would never have to worry about it again. So once again, I followed my magic formula.

One Book Changed My Entire Life

I started looking for information online and eventually stumbled upon a book that changed my entire life. Within a month of reading that one book and going out and meeting people, I was able to seduce a woman the same day I had met her. The most interesting part about this was that when I met her she was with a guy that she was dating at the time and she ditched him to go hang out with me.

Anything is Possible

I was ecstatic at my new discovery. I couldn’t believe how easy it really was. I always thought that being attractive to women was either something you had or you didn’t have. Making that transition was a defining moment of my life. Because I had done something that I had previously thought impossible I felt like anything was possible.

I learned more, and got better and better. My friends who had known me for years were amazed. I told them that I felt like a completely different person, to which my friends replied that I was actually the same except I was now hooking up with beautiful women.

A Request From a Friend

My friend Eddie noticed my sudden change of social life and asked if I could teach him to do the same thing. I didn’t want to at first, partially because I didn’t want to deal with the extra competition, and also because I was having too much fun to stop share what I knew. After much begging and pleading from Eddie I finally agreed to help him improve. It wasn’t easy at first; he had a lot of bad habits just like I did when I first started out. But sure enough, in less time than I had initially thought, he was having some really great interactions with attractive women. It felt really good to help my friend improve his life.

I realized in that moment, that this was my calling. I love sharing knowledge and helping people improve their lives. That’s why I decided to join up with New Social Systems as editor-in-chief for NSS Weekly. As editor-in-chief my purpose is to provide you with the best information available to help you improve your social life and success with women. I am committed to your success, but that is not enough. You too must also commit to your success. It is my promise to you that if you decide now to change and follow the formula for success that you will make sweeping positive changes in your life.

I have been working for the past year on a book that I hope to have released by the end of this year. Write has always been a passion of mine and today I wanted to share one small clip of the book that I am pouring my heart and soul into. You might think why right a book when it is so common in the dating industry to write e-books on how to get girls. This book is NOT a book to get girls, this is a book for the people who want to build a lifestyle of abundance, build real lasting confidence, dating beautiful women and actually change their lives. The book is my life and how I got to where I am today. I talk about my failures and my successes in an easy to apply lifestyle setting.  Here is an excerpt:

The night was warm as we cruised the open road in search of our next adventure. By my side was a girl who was the picture of perfection. Her every curve chiseled into perfection by god himself. She was pursued by many men but that night she sat cross legged in the seat of my old teal Saturn with a smile plastered across her face. My smile was obvious as the day’s events replayed in my mind. I broke the silence with a question,

“When did you know that you liked me?”

The smile became even bigger as emotions overtook her.

“I knew from the moment you walked up to me.”

She continued to tell me about the way I walked up to her with a sense of confidence and strength. I was poised and clam with a sense of adventure and fun. I smirked and thought back to the times when I would be so shy and awkward around women. I thought about the years of rejection I faced and the countless women I approached and failed with. This moment was vindication. This moment made all the failures seem trivial because the girl that sat beside me was attracted to me and I was attracted to her.

Attraction is essentially something that draws one object to another. In terms of dating, attraction has been confused, distorted and flat out misunderstood time and time again. When a person thinks of attraction they typically think of it in the physical form. This is typical because of the great lie we are taught that physical looks are all that matter. Behavior tells us a much different story however.

I hope this book inspires and motivates people to changing their own lives as well. I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to write this and I am going to be giving away copies of the book as well. If you are interested get involved with our email magazine, its FREE and you can sign up here

All the best,

Mayson

Attraction is an algorithm based on many factors that we control but from time to time there are independent variables that we don’t control.

When I speak of attraction what are the definitions that come to mind? Do you think of someone’s physical appearance? Perhaps you think of something that catches your attention or stands out.

Attraction in terms of dating has a plethora of definitions, ideas and subsequently methods associated with it. To assimilate the methodologies one must first have an understand of its purpose. In its simplest form attraction is the mechanism that draws one object to another. In the dating scene it’s been studied, examined and replicated time and time again. Too much attraction and you risk losing the interest of your potential partner because no one wants to try to obtain something that is too far out of your reach. Too little attraction and you devalue yourself. To understand the right amount of attraction you need, you must be able to understand the other person’s true value.

Since attraction is an exchange of values you must determine the true value of your partner or you will miscalibrate your perceived value of the person. Let’s break down the concepts that I have laid out in the previous sentence.

Perceived Value is the amount of value that you place on someone based on your own perception of their qualities. For instance, an average looking guy might see a girl who is all dressed up across the bar. Based on her looks he assigns a value to her. He rates her based on a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfection. Let’s say the man in question rates her at a 9. He is overcome by her beauty and grace so he rates her higher than he would in different circumstances. The man also has a value he places on himself. This value is based on his own experiences, insecurities and self worth. This is known as True Value. The man calculates his True Value verses the Perceived Value of the woman. He realizes that his value is lower than that of the woman’s and as he approaches her and begins a conversation trying to make up the value differential by “acting” differently.

The common mistake that people make is they don’t find out a person’s True Value. They see someone and based on a two second glimpse they formulate opinions, ideas and misconceptions that often times are wrong. This destructive assumptions clouds the judgment of individuals all the time and causes them to assign to little or too much value to a person based on a small amount of information.

This Perceived Value is so destructive because we don’t know the True Value of the person in question. Imagine she is physically beautiful but after years of sexual abuse by previous partners she has devalued her appearance and self worth. You may see her and think she is a 9 but her True Value based on her own experiences has her believing she is a 4. If the guy didn’t find out her True Value and went off of his Perceived Value he would try to be too attractive in order to bridge the “assumed” gap between them. This overvaluing would cause her to withdraw from the interaction.

The solution to this perception vs. reality value match is to view everyone as equal. Granted you are biologically and conditionally programmed to find certain people more attractive than others but you control your perception of value. Just because someone is physically attractive doesn’t mean their value is higher than anyone else. You cannot find a person’s True Value until you engage in conversation with them. You must reveal their True Value not decide beforehand.

The people who frequent the blog know that I (Mayson) have been a busy guy. I have been working with the Seddit community on a weekly podcast, I was featured on a Q&A session with the community and I have been finishing up my first book!

I have been writing a book for sometime now and I am in the final stages of making it a reality. I am really excited to share it with you and believe me I poured my heart and soul into this thing!

So today listen to the new Ugly Truth Podcast! It’s an interview with my good friend Mark Manson from Practical Pickup

http://theuglypodcast.blogspot.com/

Stay tuned cause BIG things are on there way I have surprises for you guys!

I have never taken a class in economics but sitting here writing this after countless broken relationships, loves obtained and subsequently lost, I wish I had. You may not understand the correlation between economics and relationships but by the end of this article you will

I was raised on fairy tales and pipe dreams. Like most of you I wanted the American Dream. I wanted the white picket fence and children running in the yard. I wanted to find the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. I searched, opened my heart and loved recklessly. I became prince charming in relationships. I adorned women with flowers, poetry and gifts. I became what all women said they wanted, a “nice guy.” My heart was broken time after time in a series of failed relationships that ended with the woman leaving me.

Each time I was dumped my ability to love became a little bit more calloused. The hurt lessened with time but so did my ability to feel the deepness of love. Sadness turned into anger, anger gave birth to hurt and hurt transformed into a negative self image. What was wrong with me that women would leave me after I became precisely what they wanted? In the bleak and dismal despair of rejection I unraveled the mystery of my discontent. I learned that often times, women confuse words with feelings. Women wanted the feelings associated with nice acts but I was breaking the rules of the economy and investing more than something was worth.

When a stock is new people tend to be cautious about its return. If you have 50,000 to invest and I told you about this stock that was about to hit the market that was bran new but had potential how much would you invest in it? You might follow the stock a bit before putting any money into it. You might invest some of your money into the stock or you might just overlook it completely. It would be ludicrous to invest all of your money into that one stock though right? But often times that is the ideology we bring into a relationship.

I was investing everything I had into someone when they were investing a portion of their value. I devalued my own worth by giving it away. Value is only as good as the amount someone decides on. Since value has external and internal components, we decide on the internal value and others based on information we provide them make an assessment on the external worth. This translates to relationships as well. Often times we invest more than our partners and this investment overload devalues our worth. After all, why would someone invest so much so soon without allowing someone to work for it and prove its worth?

This investment principal is even more applicable to guys. Women need to chase, invest more and have the feeling of working at something. Now I am sure the women reading this just disagreed and said, “I don’t want to chase, I want to be chased.” Sure you do, but the fact remains that if the guy is more invested in you than you are, your attraction begins to fade. Guys, you cannot make someone a priority when you are only an option because this kills attraction. If you do, she will cheat on your and or break your heart. This is why it is so important to have options in your dating life. If you are a man without options you will cling to women and over invest consistently.

As you over invest you WILL lose the girl.

My good friend and fellow dating coach Mark says all the time that women are the gatekeepers to sex and men are the gatekeepers to relationships. This means that it is the man’s job to push the interaction unless she opens the gates for sex. It also means that it is the women’s job to push the interaction until the man opens the gates for a relationship. When this balance is in tune the woman will be the one pushing for deeper commitments as time goes on. This is in balance with her investing just a slight amount more than you are

Whether it is casual dating, sexual partners, monogamous relationships or polyamory the guy must not invest more than her or he WILL lose her.

Recently I have been doing a lot of work with the Reddit community. There is a subsection called “Seddit” that is geared toward dating and after several months of posting I have started working with some of the moderators. The community is over 23K and growing everyday. The main moderator Jeremy and I decided to start producing a podcast and I wanted to share it with you guys as well. Here is episode 2!

Welcome to episode 2 of The Ugly Truth. Today’s episode covers the evolution of sex. In this episode you will learn:

* How human sexuality has evolved over time.
* The evolutionary reason for human sex drive and sexual desires.
* Why our hunter gatherer ancestors were probably not monogamous.
* The reason for male control of women’s reproductive freedom.
* Why the idea of male paternity came with the advent of private property.
* How to better manage interpersonal relationships in the 21st century.

We also answer some questions from our readers, they cover:

* Why you should not invest a lot of time or money on a first date.
* Why you probably don’t love someone you’ve only know for three months, and why they probably don’t love you either (even if they say they do).
* How to talk to introverted people.

We hope you enjoy this weeks podcast. As always, if you have any questions send them to: info@nsscoaching.com

http://feeds.feedburner.com/theuglypodcast

One of the best books I have ever read is a book called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book deals with how we view love and what the real meaning of love is. Today I wanted to share with you a chapter in the book entitled, “The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love.” Pay close attention to this and see how it fits into your life and feel free to comment below.

-Mayson

The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love

I want to tell you a very old story about the man who didn’t
believe in love. This was an ordinary man just like you and me, but
what made this man special was his way of thinking: He thought love
doesn’t exist. Of course, he had a lot of experience trying to find love,
and he had observed the people around him. Much of his life had
been spent searching for love, only to find that love didn’t exist.

Wherever this man went, he used to tell people that love is
nothing but an invention of the poets, an invention of religions just
to manipulate the weak mind of humans, to have control over
humans, to make them believe. He said that love is not real, and
that’s why no human could ever find love even though he might look
for it.

This man was highly intelligent, and he was very convincing. He
read a lot of books, he went to the best universities, and he became a
respected scholar. He could stand in any public place, in front of any
kind of people, and his logic was very strong. What he said was that
love is just like a drug; it makes you very high, but it creates a strong
need. You can become highly addicted to love, but what happens
when you don’t receive your daily doses of love? Just like a drug, you
need your everyday doses.

He used to say that most relationships between lovers are just
like a relationship between a drug addict and the one who provides
the drugs. The one who has the biggest need is like the drug addict;
the one who has a little need is like the provider. The one who has
the little need is the one who controls the whole relationship. You
can see this dynamic so clearly because usually in every relationship
there is one who loves the most and the other who doesn’t love, who
only takes advantage of the one who gives his or her heart. You can
see the way they manipulate each other, their actions and reactions,
and they are just like the provider and the drug addict.

The drug addict, the one who has the biggest need, lives in
constant fear that perhaps he will not be able to get the next dosage
of love, or the drug. The drug addict thinks, “What am I going to do
if she leaves me?” That fear makes the drug addict very possessive.
“That’s mine!” The addict becomes jealous and demanding, because
the fear of not having the next dosage. The provider can control and
manipulate the one who needs the drug by giving more doses, fewer
doses, or no doses at all. The one who has the biggest need
completely surrenders and will do whatever he can to avoid being
abandoned.

The man went on explaining to everyone why love doesn’t exist.
“What humans call ‘love’ is nothing but a fear relationship based on
control. Where is the respect? Where is the love they claim to have?
There is no love. Young couples, in front of the representation of
God, in front of their family and friends, make a lot of promises to
each other: to live together forever, to love and respect each other, to
be there for each other, through the good times and the bad times.
They promise to love and honor each other, and make promises and
more promises. But after the marriage – one week later, a month
later, a few months later – you can see that none of these promises
are kept.

“What you find is a war of control to see who will manipulate
whom. Who will be the provider, and who will have the addiction?
You find that a few months later, the respect they swear to have for
each other is gone. You can see the resentment, the emotional
poison, how they hurt each other, little by little, and it grows and
grows, until they don’t know when the love stops. They stay together
because they are afraid to be alone, afraid of the opinions and
judgments of others, and also afraid of their own judgments and
opinions. But where is the love?”

He used to claim that he saw many old couples that had lived
together thirty years, forty years, fifty years, and they were so proud
to have lived together all those years. But when they talked about
their relationship, what they said was, “We survived the matrimony.”
That means one of them surrendered to the other; at a certain time,
she gave up and decided to endure the suffering. The one with the
strongest will and less need won the war, but where is that flame they
call love? They treat each other like a possession: “She is mine.” “He
is mine.”

The man went on and on about all the reasons why he believed
love doesn’t exist, and he told others, “I have done all that already. I
will no longer allow anyone to manipulate my mind and control my
life in the name of love.” His arguments were quite logical, and he
convinced many people by all his words. Love doesn’t exist.
Then one day this man was walking in a park, and there on a
bench was a beautiful lady who was crying. When he saw her crying,
he felt curiosity. Sitting beside her, he asked if he could help her. He
asked why she was crying. You can imagine his surprise when she
told him she was crying because love doesn’t exist. He said, “This is
amazing – a woman who believes that love doesn’t exist!” Of course,
he wanted to know more about her.

“Why do you say that love doesn’t exist?” he asked.
“Well, it’s a long story,” she replied. “I married when I was very
young, with all the love, all these illusions, full of hope that I would
share my life with this man. We swore to each other our loyalty,
respect, and honor, and we created a family. But soon everything
changed. I was the devoted wife who took care of the children and
home. My husband continued to develop his career, and his success
and image outside of home was more important to him than our
family. He lost respect for me, and I lost respect for him. We hurt
each other, and at a certain point I discovered that I didn’t love him
and he didn’t love me either.

“But the children needed a father, and that was my excuse to stay
and to do whatever I could to support him. Now the children are
grown and they have left. I no longer have any excuse to stay with
him. There’s no respect, there’s no kindness. I know that even if I
find someone else, it’s going to be the same, because love doesn’t
exist. There is no sense to look around for something that doesn’t
exist. That is why I am crying.”

Understanding her very well, he embraced her and said, “You are
right; love doesn’t exist. We look for love, we open our heart and we
become vulnerable, just to find selfishness. That hurts us even if we
don’t think we will be hurt. It doesn’t matter how many relationships
we have; the same thing happens again and again. Why even search
for love any longer?”

They were so much alike, and they became the best friends ever.
It was a wonderful relationship. They respected each other, and they
never put each other down. With every step they took together, they
were happy. There was no envy or jealousy, there was no control,
there was no possessiveness. The relationship kept growing and
growing. They loved to be together, because when they were together
they had a lot of fun. When they were not together, they missed each
other.

One day when the man was out of town, he had the weirdest
idea. He was thinking, “Hmm, maybe what I feel for her is love. But
this is so different from what I have ever felt before. It’s not what the
poets say it is, it’s not what religion says, because I am not
responsible for her. I don’t take anything from her; I don’t have the
need for her to take care of me; I don’t need to blame her for my
difficulties or to take my dramas to her. We have the best time
together; we enjoy each other. I respect the way she thinks, the way
she feels. She doesn’t embarrass me; she doesn’t bother me at all. I
don’t feel jealous when she’s with other people; I don’t feel envy
when she is successful. Perhaps love does exist, but it’s not what
everyone thinks love is.”

He could hardly wait to go back home and talk to her, to let her
know about his weird idea. As soon as he started talking, she said, “I
know exactly what you are talking about. I had the same idea long
ago, but I didn’t want to share it with you because I know you don’t
believe in love. Perhaps love does exist, but it isn’t what we thought it
was.” They decided to become lovers and to live together, and it was
amazing that things didn’t change. They still respected each other,
they were still supportive of each other, and the love grew more and
more. Even the simplest things made their hearts sing with love
because they were so happy.

The man’s heart was so full with all the love he felt that one
night a great miracle happened. He was looking at the stars and he
found the most beautiful one, and his love was so big that the start
started coming down from the sky and soon that star was in his
hands. Then a second miracle happened, and his soul merged with
that star. He was intensely happy, and he could hardly wait to go to
the woman and put that star in her hands to prove his love to her. As
soon as he put the star in her hands, she felt a moment of doubt.
This love was overwhelming, and in that moment, the star fell from
her hands and broke in a million little pieces.

Now there is an old man walking around the world swearing that
love doesn’t exist. And there is a beautiful old woman at home
waiting for a man, shedding a tear for a paradise that once she had in
her hands, but for one moment of doubt, she let it go. This is the
story about the man who didn’t believe in love.

Who made the mistake? Do you want to guess what went wrong?
The mistake was on the man’s part in thinking he could give the
woman his happiness. The star was his happiness, and his mistake
was to put his happiness in her hands. Happiness never comes from
outside of us. He was happy because of the love coming out of him;
she was happy because of the love coming out of her. But as soon as
he made her responsible for his happiness, she broke the star because
she could not be responsible for his happiness.

No matter how much the woman loved him, she could never
make him happy because she could never know what he had in his
mind. She could never know what his expectations were, because she
could not know his dreams.

If you take your happiness and put it in someone’s hands, sooner
or later, she is going to break it. If you give your happiness to
someone else, she can always take it away. Then if happiness can only
come from inside of you and is the result of your love, you are
responsible for your happiness. We can never make anyone
responsible for our own happiness, but when we go to the church to
get married, the first thing we do is exchange rings. We put our star
in each other’s hands, expecting that she is going to make you happy,
and you are going to make her happy. It doesn’t matter how much
you love someone, you are never going to be what that person wants
you to be.

That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning.
We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn’t work that way.
We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set
ourselves up to fail.

-Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love,

The following is a guest post from Elham who runs a website called Relationship Columns! Be sure to check it out!

http://relationshipcolumns.com/

While taking my car for its regular service at North Shore Auto Mall, I came to realize all the welcoming faces at the dealerships. They all had a common objective: twenty minutes of my time to talk me into buying one of their cars, whether it was a rusty fifteen year old Toyota or a hip new sexy Audi A5, and ultimately they all wanted to make the big bucks. While driving back home, I came to realize this resemblance with the dating industry. And then it struck my mind to ask myself, has love become so materialistic that we’ve started to call it an industry? Is Valentine’s Day recognized as the day of our expression of love for our partner or is it just another day for Hallmark to make money? Statistics report that in the previous year, the total spending on Valentine’s Day was 15 billion dollars. And then there are also the birthdays, anniversaries and so many other occasions. In fact, an enormous proportion of the revenue of restaurants, bars, stores, florists and chocolatiers come from the dating industry. Absolutely every expression of love is made by tossing in something related to mass marketing to tell the other person things that we may be incapable of telling them ourselves.

So if dating has become an industry, then does this mean that love has become a marketing scheme and in order to be in a relationship, you need to be able to sell yourself? Is life just a giant advert? Is each individual the creative director of his own advert and does selling yourself make all the difference? Can a rusty old chevy with the right charisma and self-confidence sell itself as a convertible bmw? The tactic is getting into the heads of the market and then presenting them with what they want to hear. Once in the head, the job is done! Self-promotion can mask almost all the negative qualities. But is this the way of life and relationships? Wouldn’t it be better to really know every product before we buy it? Shouldn’t we love people for who they really are and be able to see their hidden depths?

What if we end up buying that sexy Jaguar, spending all that maintenance and insurance money on it and then realizing that it has an engine problem? And then on that one day we need it the most, it ends up deserting us on a rainy day right before a very important appointment. Was the Jag’s charisma masking its faults or was it simply because we were so drowned in its appearance initially that we refused to see the faults? Is it here that we wished we’d just picked the safer choice and went for the low maintenance and dependable SUV that was by our side, whether rain or shine? We may then wonder, could we have an SUV to drive and a lustrous 2-door convertible on the side? Or maybe there’s a car that has it ALL? So do we spend all our time test-driving all sorts of cars, accepting the fact that at times we may be misled by false advertisement? Or do we pick the car we believe we’d be happy with most with and then take the leap of faith and give it our heart?

I was never good with girls in high school. My friends had girlfriends and dates and I never went to prom. I hated the fact that I couldn’t be attractive like they were so I tried to become a carbon copy of my friends. I dressed like they dressed, talked like they talked and did the things they did. I ended up right back in the same situation, dateless and miserable.

I figured my mom would have some understanding and so I reached out and asked her what girls want. She told me that they wanted a nice guy. Looking back at those words, they had a totally different meaning because my mother’s inability to articulate them caused years of frustration on my part. After several broken hearts and countless failed attempts I realized that women didn’t want “nice guys”, they wanted something different.

The word nice has several meanings depending on the person and gender that you ask. For guys they often confuse nice with supplicating. See a Supplicator is a person who asks for things in a very humble manner. Supplicate comes from the latin supplicāre meaning to beg on one’s knees.  Begging for what you want is a sign of low self confidence and as we all know women are attracted to confidence.

The word nice translates to pleasing, agreeable and delightful. All these words have positive connotations as opposed to the often confused supplicate. When a woman says she wants a nice guy she is talking about a guy who treats her with respect and is delightful to be around.

The major problem with “nice guys” is that they tend to lie to you the entire time.  There is nothing nice about a guy who is playing a part to get something they want. This nice guy attitude may seem pleasant at first but often times nice guys have ulterior motives.  Nice guys will endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes men are, all the while hiding their feelings for the girl. They lead women into a false confidence that they are there for them. They often shower them with affection; gifts and time expect a return without even verbalizing it. These nice guys prey on the emotions of women waiting for the one day where it becomes too much and they tell her that they are in love with her. The women, often blindsided does what any normal person would do and tells him they are just friends. The nice guys get angry, lash out and often take vengeance on the unsuspecting women.

The nice guy is an illusion that is masked with insecurity, shame and fear. Granted there are guys who want to be friends with a girl but far too often guys use this ploy to be able to “get the girl.” They have an idea in their mind that if they get close to her after awhile she will wake up and figure out she is in love with them.  Afraid to tell the girl their true feelings they mask their intent and create a façade of misplaced chivalry that would make the knights of Camelot applaud.

It’s time to face reality and learn an important lesson. You will never get what you want in life if you don’t ask. Masking your intent only leads to self deception and sorrow. Guys, I get it though. You don’t want to risk losing the girl because you told her you like her but the reality is hiding your intent makes you a liar and trust is amongst the most important characteristics a woman looks for in a relationship.

Nice guys have many characteristics about them that are engrained into who they are. Nice guys tend to:

• Seek the approval of others
• Hold back their true feelings
• Become uncomfortable when others express strong feelings
• Give more then they get from people
• Avoid conflict
• Don’t like confrontation.

These are just some of the characteristics of a “Nice Guy” but don’t worry there is hope! Once you recognize this behavior in your own life you can begin to change it. Often time people go to the extreme to change their nice guy behavior and start become jerks to everyone around them. This behavior is also quite destructive and will lead to more frustration on your part. Start by asking for things that you actually want. It’s often said that if you don’t ask the answer is no. You have to face the fact that things will not always go your way when you ask but if you don’t ask the answer will always be no.

Being a self deceiving “nice guy” is manipulative in every way.  The nice guy flies under the radar because his misguided attention and support seems so genuine. When the person finally shows their true intent it’s often destructive to the friendship. Guys, if you want to get the girl you have to risk losing her. You have to put your pride on the line and admit your feelings even if that means the answer is no. If you don’t then you will lose more than your chance, you will lose a friend as well.